[NSRCA-discussion] Funny Email "Pocket Taser Stun Gun"

[Keith Hoard]

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RVP - Add this guy to your "No Sale" list for Lithium batteries. . .
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On 3/21/06, Michael Laggis <fishgod at pobox.mtaonline.net> wrote:
>
> This was passed around my office this morning.  I just have to pass it on.
>
> Michael
>
>
>
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.  This was submitted by a
> guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
> interest.
>
> The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
> something extra for my wife Toni.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
> pocket/purse-sized taser.  The effects of the taser were suppose to be
> short
> lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
> adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I
> bought the device and brought it home.
>
> I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the
> button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
> the
> blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> Awesome!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
> face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must
> admit
> I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
> better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.
>
> But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> against
> a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am
> I
> wrong?  So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> hand, taser in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
> assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
> major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
> your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
>
> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
> two
> itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side
> as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
> such
> a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....  I decided to give
> myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
> MOTHER,
> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
> in
> the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
> over again.
>
> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
> my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
> tingling in my legs.
>
> The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before,
> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it
> again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
> of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
> yourself.
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
> a
> violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst would be
> considered conservative.
>
> SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!!  A minute or so later (I can't be
> sure,
> as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
> little
> I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
>
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  How did they
> up get there???
>
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face
> felt
> like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
> I'm still looking for my testicles?  I'm offering a significant reward for
> their safe return.
>
> Still in shock,
> Tommy
>
>
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>



--

Keith Hoard
Collierville, TN
khoard at gmail.com
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