[NSRCA-discussion] Funny Email "Pocket Taser Stun Gun"

[Michael Laggis]

This was passed around my office this morning.  I just have to pass it on.

Michael



Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.  This was submitted by a
guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest.

The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser.  The effects of the taser were suppose to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I
bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I
wrong?  So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....  I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it
again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!!  A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little
I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  How did they
up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles?  I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy