[NSRCA-discussion] Funny Email "Pocket Taser Stun Gun"

[Michael Cohen]

This is funny, but most likely fake.  Check out www.snopes.com.  The status 
is "indetermined", but read on....

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Del K. Rykert" <drykert2 at rochester.rr.com>
To: "NSRCA Mailing List" <nsrca-discussion at lists.nsrca.org>
Sent: Tuesday, March 21, 2006 1:07 PM
Subject: Re: [NSRCA-discussion] Funny Email "Pocket Taser Stun Gun"


> Thanks for sharing Michael.. Wonder if the dude every found himself 
> again..
> Now I have another reason not to try muggings or robbery as an alternative
> pastime.. grin
>
>                 Del
>          nsrca - 473
>
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Michael Laggis" <fishgod at pobox.mtaonline.net>
> To: "'NSRCA Mailing List'" <nsrca-discussion at lists.nsrca.org>
> Sent: Tuesday, March 21, 2006 1:30 PM
> Subject: [NSRCA-discussion] Funny Email "Pocket Taser Stun Gun"
>
>
>> This was passed around my office this morning.  I just have to pass it 
>> on.
>>
>> Michael
>>
>>
>>
>> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.  This was submitted by 
>> a
>> guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary:
>>
>> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked 
>> my
>> interest.
>>
>> The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
>> something extra for my wife Toni.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
>> pocket/purse-sized taser.  The effects of the taser were suppose to be
>> short
>> lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
>> adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I
>> bought the device and brought it home.
>>
>> I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
>> Nothing! I was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the
>> button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
>> the
>> blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>> Awesome!!!
>>
>> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on 
>> the
>> face of her microwave.
>>
>> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
>>
>> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I 
>> really
>> needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must
>> admit
>> I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
>> better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.
>>
>> But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
>> against
>> a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am
>> I
>> wrong?  So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my 
>> reading
>> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>> hand, taser in another.
>>
>> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient 
>> your
>> assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
>> major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
>> your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
>>
>> Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>>
>> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
>> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
>> two
>> itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
>>
>> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
>>
>> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
>> side
>> as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
>> such
>> a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....  I decided to give
>> myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
>>
>> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>> MOTHER,
>> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
>>
>> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
>> in
>> the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
>> over again.
>>
>> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears 
>> in
>> my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
>> found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
>> tingling in my legs.
>>
>> The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
>> before,
>> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it
>> again!"
>>
>> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
>> of
>> caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>> yourself.
>> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
>> a
>> violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst would be
>> considered conservative.
>>
>> SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!!  A minute or so later (I can't be
>> sure,
>> as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
>> little
>> I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
>>
>> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  How did 
>> they
>> up get there???
>>
>> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face
>> felt
>> like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>> I'm still looking for my testicles?  I'm offering a significant reward 
>> for
>> their safe return.
>>
>> Still in shock,
>> Tommy
>>
>>
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>>
>
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