Airplane Humor

[Bill Glaze]

Ed:
Artillery:  Incoming is always more accurate than outgoing.  And:
Marines:  "My fate is not only in God's hands, as long as I have a 
weapon in my hands."
A couple I just thought of.  Bill Glaze

Ed Hartley wrote:

> Military Humor
>
> Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never 
> encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
> ------
> "You, you, and you .. Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. 
> Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
> ------
> "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil.  
> For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old 
> SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
> ------
> "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. 
> Crickmore (test pilot)
> ------
> "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
> ------
> "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than 
> submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
> ------
> "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a 
> helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
> ------
> "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have 
> enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
> ------
> "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying 
> club."
> ------
> "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If 
> a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot 
> dies."
> ------
> "Never trade luck for skill."
> ------
> The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation 
> are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!"
> ------
> "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
> ------
> "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot 
> pregnant."
> ------
> "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully 
> complete the flight."
> ------
> "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a 
> row is prevarication."
> ------
> "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
> ------
> "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
> ------
> "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the 
> purpose of storing dead batteries."
> ------
> "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a 
> person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything 
> about it."
> ------
> "When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
> ------
> "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be 
> held on a sunny day."
> ------
> Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems 
> inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the 
> vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
> ------
> "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely 
> kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
> ------
> "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to 
> its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
> ------
> "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the 
> crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
> ------
> "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
> ------
> "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - 
> Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
> ------
> "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
> ------
> Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go 
> near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the 
> appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It 
> is much more difficult to fly there."
> ------
> As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn 
> off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, 
> the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The 
> pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself".
> ------
> "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full 
> power to taxi to the terminal."
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